The Harshest Critic

According to the weather bureau, it feels like 35°C outside right now… It is almost 30° inside! It is not yet midday, and definitely not too late for another coffee, but I think today calls for a latte “on the rocks”!

The brilliant blue dome overhead is framed on the horizon with billowing white clouds, visibly reaching up into the sky as I watch them. Tinged with a hint of charcoal, threatening storms later in the day.

Barely a breath disturbs the foliage. Not a note uttered from the birds, seeking what shade they can. Even the usual summertime buzz – that reverberates through the undergrowth from unseen cicadas – is eerily absent.

Perhaps the oppressive nature of the day and the ominous grey on the horizon is indicative of the darker voice within, that exerts its own level of oppression on our psyche. I am sure I am my own harshest critic – I second-guess every decision I make, wondering “was this the right course of action? Is this the best thing to do?”

I have been doing that a lot lately.

We all want the best for those we care about. Of course there will be bumpy patches on the road of life, but we always wish them the smoothest route. And when the way forward becomes unclear, with nowhere to turn, then we look to help clear a path.

We seek advice and form a plan. We weigh up the pros and cons, then attempt to move forward… But, there it is again, that niggling silent critic from within. When one of those “cons“ becomes apparent, I begin to question myself. “Have I done the right thing?“ “Is this really the best course of action?“ “Will the ramifications, the difficulties, or the outcome cause more damage than we began with”? “Will I be responsible for the complete breakdown of the situation?“

All I want to do is help someone I love live a better life. All I want to do is fix fracturing relationships. Anxiety can be crippling – not just for the sufferer.

No one can answer my questions. No one can silence the voice. I will just have to trust the advice and appreciate the support of others. The murky depths of the mind offer zero visibility and harbour many invisible obstacles… we will all find a way forward, and a smooth path… Together.

As the temperature cools, and those late storms roll through, perhaps the fresh breath of air they bring will help to clear the mind and find the way.

A Musing For “Man’s Best Friend“

So many times, I’ve sat with my coffee and listened to the symphony of sound (not always harmonious) that provides the backdrop to my day. The birds are quiet this morning, a breeze rustles the leaves, random drops of rain leave dusty smudges on my windscreen. A raucous whippersnipper is trimming garden edges somewhere out of sight, but not too far away.

Today will be busy, and as I take a moment to reflect over my “coffee on the run”, I look back on the life of my old friend, Max – our constant companion for over sixteen years. From pet shop puppy to cantankerous old canine, his loyalty was unwavering.

Max – or “Maximo“ as our old Italian neighbour used to call him – has led a full life… He weathered numerous Top End cyclones before heading south to dodge hailstones in the thunderous south-east Queensland summer storms. He stood guard over our three young children as they grew, until it was finally he who needed a little more looking after.

Those eyes, so heavily lined in the style of ancient Egypt, shone brightly from that warm caramelised tan face. Over the years those eyes became so cloudy he could barely see and the face faded to white, but the eyeliner remained, as did his youthful personality. Although few and far between, Max still had the occasional “puppy moment”, and the strength of character to assert his position within the family.

More recently he passed most of his days resting quietly on a cushion in our family room, until he spent more hours sleeping there than doing anything else. We all knew his time was coming, although we didn’t really want to admit it.

Finally, a few days ago, he went to rest on that dusty old cushion in the corner. The children were at school, my partner was at work and we were home alone. The rhythmic rise and fall of his belly slowed, as it did when falling into a deeper sleep, until I heard a slight rumbling snore. I gazed at him, suddenly realising that his belly was still…

His time had come.

Farewell Max – this musing is for you.

Return To Work – A Resumé Revelation

I sit myself at the table, strong cup of coffee in hand, gaze at my ancient resumé, and wonder who that person was… Who have I become?

I thought the fresh spring air, carrying a hint of jasmine, and the calm morning twitter of small birds in the shady trees against the backdrop of a deep and brilliant blue sky, might help to clarify my mind and reveal the person I thought might be me.

For once, I am lost for words. Having a partner with a specialised long-term career has given me the opportunity to choose to be a full-time parent to young children, but over the course of those years, many of my interests and pursuits have been put on the shelf in favour of (happily) supporting my partner and family. It is only now, as they move through primary (or elementary) school toward high school, in this ‘year of COVID-19’ that I find the time has come for me to once again move back into the workforce.

And, as I stare at that gaping black hole in my employment history, I feel that into it has disappeared much of who I was before.

Perhaps those skills I once boasted of are a little rusty. Perhaps I may not be able to list my interests as “current”… but if I stare long enough and deeply enough, I hope I might find someone with a whole new set of enhanced skills…Someone ready to find new interests. And, as my partner says, I need to give credit to what that new person may be capable of.

Return to Work – Forget Fear and Trepidation… Blow Your Own Trumpet!

I’m trying to think of how to put into words the feelings that bubble to the surface when I sit and contemplate putting myself out there. I have not had to present an official resumé for about fifteen years! Before that, I have only ever really written a handful of cover letters to accompany my resumé. I’ve been very lucky in my working life.

In front of me is a blank piece of paper with a pen resting on it. Beside that sits a rich warm caramel coloured coffee to encourage motivation. I’m hoping the peaceful background of garden sounds will inspire me to write great things about myself. For that is what is required in this competitive era of jobhunting.

How do I make myself stand out from the crowd? Most of us are really happy to be a part of the crowd. Few of us ever think of standing up in front of the crowd. Those feelings of trepidation – of stage fright – are what start to churn my stomach as I think about making the phone calls, sending the emails and walking in business doorways in the hope someone will see me as standing out from the crowd – the crowd of so many qualified others trying to find gainful employment in the same places that I am.

Am I worthy? Am I good enough? Am I better than the person standing behind me? Can I really put my money where my mouth is?! So many more uncertain and self-sabotaging questions lurk in the back of my mind, driven by the fear of rejection and failure.

I take a deep breath and inhale the sweet scented garden air. I sip on my quickly cooling coffee, roughly shove those dark thoughts back in their box, and put pen to paper.

It is not so much about forgetting to be humble, but learning to be confident.

As a friend so aptly commented when I spoke with her the other day, ‘we are all encouraged to grow up to be humble about our achievements, skills and qualities, and yet what we really need to do, is learn to blow our own trumpets!’

What are your uncertainties? How are you feeling as you step out to join the new army of job seekers? How do you steel yourself, and bolster your confidence?

Life Is A Delicate Balancing Act

The damp chill of a few rainy days gives way to the comforting warmth of the sunshine as it breaks through the heavy cloud cover, burning it off to bring in a clear sunny, freshly washed afternoon. My coffee offers soothing warmth from within as the bright light radiates surprising heat upon my skin.

Upward the sky becomes more blue than grey. The breeze jostles the last few clouds upon their way across the horizon while rustling the treetops in a dance of appreciation – both for the life-giving rain, and now the clearer sunny weather. The garden around me is almost an iridescent green punctuated by a rainbow myriad of flowers… not a still life painting, but rather an idyllic real life backdrop to soften the less than idyllic realities of our every day.

Trying to juggle a home and work life. Trying to prioritise between family and money. Trying to find a way of managing that limbo between the end of the school day, and the end of an average work day.

To those parents who successfully manage that difficult time of day, I take my hat off to you. Quite often the cost of that after-school care can negate the cost of working longer hours, but not utilising that option can also – understandably – cost your employment.

Now that I’ve made that statement, I think I’ve clarified my own solution… this global pandemic of COVID-19 has forced upon us an unprecedented situation in which we are being forced to re-evaluate, juggle and re-balance our entire lives. Some income is better than no income in a time where one might easily become the other.

The Next Chapter Begins…

Anticipation, apprehension, excitement, nervousness and a little worry. What a mixed bag of feelings I carry around with me this morning as I go about my usual routine. These feelings are not for myself, but for another special person as they undergo a long awaited surgery… I can’t even begin to imagine how he must be feeling.

Today marks the end of this first long and painful “leg” in his unique triathlon. The next will be the operation and recovery, and then, hopefully six months later the third and final stage… years of pain-free activity.

The family are looking forward to having a dad who will be able to play with them again.

As I watch the sun shining brightly through the leaves in the trees – illuminating them from within – I get a good feeling… Today marks the first day of our next chapter…